Frustrated

October 31, 2011

It’s like the effort didn’t matter, like it’s not worth anything. How could it when the final product is such a failure? So then how do I make my efforts worth anything?

How is it that I end up with a grade worth less than dirt? Why do I spend hours studying when in the end I’ll end up with a grade that doesn’t reflect the work I put into it?

My heart weighs me down to my knees again. I am so tired of trying and never attaining. I am so tired of feeling like I won’t be able to make it.

“Absolutely”

October 30, 2011

"There is no one else who has my heart; Jesus, you have me completely. Every breath that I breathe..."

I’ve noticed that there is a serious gap between who I think I am and what really speaks in my heart. My identity was found in Christ and in Him I am a somebody, so then why do I feel so undeserving of everything? Undeserving of worries, the help people offer, compliments, etc. Deep in my subconscious there’s even a little rebellion when I receive something from my parents.

So, why? Something I will be dissecting throughout the day/week/month/however long it’s going to take. If I am in Him then it doesn’t mean abandoning humility at all…I just want to know why I value myself so little. Oh my gosh…that sounds emo.

Misery

October 30, 2011

I don’t know how else to describe the course of today’s events other than this:

I have never been more miserable in my entire life, and yet still so happy.

As selfish and me-oriented as this is, I’m going to be that girl stuck in the “Nova bubble” and say that the ridiculously low temperatures, wind, rain, and not enough Under Armour is the worst thing ever. I temporarily lost my face…and ears. I was, however, aware of my body being ripped apart by the ice cold wind.

But despite all this complaining, there is no doubt that I will be number 12 again next year for Break 31. Leggo.

Unfortunately I went in with a slight cold. I am a teenager and therefore the argument of “Why not?” is valid, even if it contradicts the better of my judgement. Now I have no voice. I have never ever lost my voice. Not in the 4 years of marching band or the 10+ years of arguing with my brother. The worst of it is that dear old Mum found out and is now having a panic attack 100 some miles away. Huzzah.

Perhaps this is God’s way of telling me to shut up because there’s something he wants to show me and/or tell me. HOORAY!

So until tomorrow when the retribution comes at me like a boulder hitting a bug. Here’s to fellowship and to the many brothers and sisters I met today on the field.

Perseverance

October 27, 2011

“A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.”  -Michelangelo Buonarroti

I wonder what Michelangelo would actually do if he didn’t have hands…would this still hold true? Is this analogy investing so much in creativity that it would sacrifice the means to accomplish it?

It’s being taken away from me, little by little. The one thing I am passionate about, the one that kept me sane on those dreary nights, the one thing that would be my catharsis, the one thing I worked so  for. Yet again pain finds something else to hold on to.

But I am a soul, after all; I am not a body, rather, I have one. This is nothing. I’ve done this before.

And to the friend who struggles with his efforts: Keep going. I’ll be rooting for you wherever your talents may take you.

Indescribable

October 25, 2011

DOUBLE RAINBOW, ALL THE WAY!

You know that Youtube video, the one with that ridiculous guy repeating “DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY!!!” You think it’s funny, but let me ask you,

Have you ever seen one with your own eyes?

When you do I guarantee you’ll be just as ecstatic, unless you’ve got the emotional capacity of a teaspoon. (Credits, Hermione Granger.)

Anyway.

People around me stopped in their tracks, whipping out their cell phones to capture the rainbow; it was a ripple effect of people questioning then seeing fingers pointing towards the sky. I tried to take a picture of it arcing over the library and all the way to Burruss but every time I tried finding better vantage points the thing wouldn’t fit. Then God smiled and said, “Did you think you could contain the beauty of my creation with just a camera?”

His promise that filled the sky made me realize that everything about Him is incomparable, un-containable, indescribable.

…He’s also got a sense of humor because the end of that rainbow was where my next class was. Oh, how I love evening labs.

Movie: Memoirs of A Geisha

October 23, 2011

I am a fan of brilliant films.

This is a brilliant film; well done, Steven Spielberg. You took my breath away, awed me, inspired me, and, most importantly, you gave me perspective. This bildungsroman takes you deeper than just Chiyo’s story; it gives you insight into a world of controversy and rumors. Every step of the way you’ll be captivated. And if you’re not something’s wrong with you…

And if you still don’t think you should watch this, 2 words: Ken Watanabe.

This one’s a keeper.

…………

And now one of the many hilarious conversations boys have:

David: I work out before I meet a girl; you look more buff. I plan like 2 hours ahead so I can do a full workout, light shower, then curl right before.

Sjoon: I warm up my voice so I can sing to her. I’ll be practicing in the car on my way to pick her up.

Steve: …I pray.

LOLOLOL. Alright. Goodnight, folks. It’s 4:45AM.

“Sing for me”

October 22, 2011

You want to know why I’ve never really sang in public, why I’ve never sung in the shower or let my brother/mom/dad hear me?

It’s because I can’t.

I can sing to myself as long as no one will hear me. Although the hairbrush doesn’t double as a microphone and the mirror my stage, it’s all still a cathartic exercise. So when you NRB and wonder why I’m not shoving people aside for the remote to pick songs and grab that mic, it’s because, simply,

I’m shy.

Yes, I want more than anything to sing like my musically adept roomie but not in front of people who expect great things. Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t sing for people. It’s because I’m selfish and insecure.

Give me a piano, on the other hand, and you’ve just got yourself a song I sang through my fingers.

It is 6:22AM and I am still shaken. Why does it make a girl more of a girl if she can sing? What if my definition of singing is different?

BPM

October 21, 2011

Sony headphones I've been looking for!

“I like my beats fast and bass down low, bay-bay-bass down low.”

Turning up the music to tune out the world.

That’s how it works when you’re upset and temporarily have no one to talk with. I do the in-between: I crank it up with my confidant who happens to be my roomie. The problem is that I haven’t told her what exactly is bothering me because even I don’t know. Feh. How dumb.

I know part of  it’s got to do with the fact that I said “goodnight” and got no response. How dumb. I’m going to go finish laundry and turn up DEV. Psh. I shouldn’t have to care about this, but I do because today I was an arrogant arse about pulling flags. Sorry. Now I won’t get the sideline cheers. Boo, Minyoung; great going.

Sweet Pea

October 20, 2011

"You're the only reason I keep on coming home."

Today the weather couldn’t decide what it wanted to be, so I found the cuffs of my jeans soggy and tiny drops glittered across my mess of hair. It was a sleepy day; all I wanted to do was turn on Harry Connick, Jr. and curl up with a mug of hot chocolate. Instead, I find myself playing Amos Lee and looking ahead for those brighter days ahead. My name is going on that dumb Dean’s list. Yes. A little more effort and a little less sleep. Leggo.

The Big G

October 18, 2011

Before I start off I want to say that there are no such thing as mere coincidence.

Mondays are brutal for me; I have classes from sun-up to sun-down beginning with an 8 AM chemistry lecture and ending with a biology lab around 9:30 PM. Yesterday I took the chemistry test I sacrificed so much sleep for. Hold on; there was still a powerpoint presentation and essay on Crito due the following morning. I’m not done; there’s a GCOM test and a chemistry lab practical on Wednesday which happens to double as a midterm. (Yes, I realize there are worse schedules than mine but that’s not the point…)

It was only Monday and I was already lagging with ~5 hours of sleep and back pain.

Last night I finished the powerpoint and checked out around 2:30 AM, leaving my essay half done.

Woke up. QT for today is Isaiah 4. It’s definitely one of the shortest chapters I’ve read so far. The verses that jumped out at me:

“Then the Lord will create over all of Mount Zion and over those who assemble there a cloud of smoke by day and a glow of flaming fire by night; over all the glory will be a canopy. It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and arefuge and hiding place from the storm and rain.” -Isaiah 4:5-6

He provides to those who remain in His covenant.

Putting my journal away I found myself wishing at the back of my mind that class would somehow be canceled today so that I wouldn’t have to turn in such a shoddy essay, even though it is my own fault for forgetting about this class.

After the 9:30 class I rush back to my dorm to finish the essay; class starts at 12:30. I skim through my email and find that Professor Gonzalez has called out sick today (labrynthitis; reference the Knossos Palace). No class. No class for the rest of the day. It’s only noon.

Praise God. Really, there’s no one else who can actually give you time like they own it.