Recharge

November 28, 2011

Tomorrow my days starts bright and early at 7:00 AM. Needless to say, it’s going to be rough; for the past seven days I haven’t been able to get out of bed until around 10:30 or 11:00. The luxury of Thanksgiving break allowed me to ignore the finals that are lurking just around the corner. Bad me, very very bad. I am seriously not looking forward to losing sleep but there are only 24 hours in a day. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming (:

Danke

November 25, 2011

Jehovah Jireh, God the Provider.

Thank you for everything I can think of and even the things I am not aware of.

It’s interesting how my first alcoholic drink did not happen on campus at a wild party but at my cousins’ house, surrounded by the very people you would avoid telling about the misdeed. My mom excused the indiscretion, though, because how was I supposed to know there was tequila in the fruity drink my aunt gave me? But my daring-do aside, it was interesting to watch my family come together, happily, for a dinner. My aunts and mom lost a brother recently, my cousin broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years, my other cousin didn’t get his dream job because of a sudden turn of unfortunate events, and me with my doubts and struggles. Despite all that you wouldn’t have known there was something amiss.

It’s good to be home, but better than that, it’s great to be with family. Thanks for this life, no matter how hard it gets; I’m sorry if I don’t enjoy it enough, Dad.

Dear God,

November 21, 2011

I’m going to be completely honest with you, something I haven’t tried in a long while. It seems like common sense; one cannot hide anything from You so why bother? But I am a foolish human and You are God in heaven.

I could not sing Your praises today. I could only follow the lyrics with my eyes because the words “You will never leave us” seemed a lie should they pass my lips. I could not pray to You today. The pastor’s prayer for renewal felt like a stab in my chest; how many times have You been silent when I called?

So then what keeps me tethered to Your side? It’s the promise that, simply, You know what You’re doing and You’ve got it all planned out. But that doesn’t do much for me right now when I am afraid like I’ve never been afraid before. Death? You conquered it, but not for the ones who did not believe in Your name. The Servants Retreat pastor told me that fear is felt when one stops thinking, but right now I have stopped trusting. Who will be the next person to stop breathing?

“I don’t want to talk about You like You’re not in the room,” go the lyrics. I sang that… But I am so lost right now. “My faith is paper thin” and I need you “more than the next heartbeat.”

November 16, 2011

1 text at 1 AM.

 

I don’t know what to say. I can’t translate what I’m feeling.

Perhaps it is because this transcends the value of words.

I can’t do anything. For anyone.

This familiar place…God, why?

At least you now have “a hell of an angel”.

Silence

November 15, 2011

I haven’t really gotten a chance to sit since I got to college.

Just sit. No textbooks weighing me down, no assignments pulling at the corners of my conscience, no social event, no rush to get from point A to point B. I could have gone to the swing-chairs on the Commons, the lawn or the shade in the copse of trees on the Quad, or even the Arboretum. Anywhere. But for some reason the stairs that overlook the construction of the new biology building was where I chose to sit.

If you find yourself sitting too then I recommend you close your eyes, even if the stars are out or the sun is setting/rising or whatever other spectacle. It’s not so much a sound as it is a resonance. But once you feel it you’ll know why I believe there is a God. There is a reason why our eyes are the last of the senses to develop, yah?

Even though he still feels so far away, at least we got to sit today.

Re: Servants

November 13, 2011

Has it already been 3 days?

He took me and healed me. He stayed my heart and told it to rest. He gave me a tiny glimpse of heaven everyday. What would it be like to sing praises all day and every day of your life with your family by your side? Every soul just reaching higher and higher. I want to stay forever.

This wasn’t just a recharge for me, though. A spiritual renewal on 11/11/11, holla. It was a turning point. I get to change.

Departing today was difficult; people were just loitering on the hill and coming up with every possible grouping for pictures as an excuse to stay just a little longer. “By church!” or “By school!” or “Small group!” Etc. Thailand team was not exempt, of course. I made some friends and reconnected with others; who knew a hug could convey so much? My heart hasn’t been this light nor this bright for a very long time.

May your candles continue to burn as brightly as when they were lit this weekend.

Servants

November 11, 2011

August 12:

“It’s something about the way their eyes look. Whether it be during the day or in full view of the moon it’s that look of realization, when the gravity of the situation has hit. It’s not the words they have uttered, nor is it the way they had been spoken. The pang that hits you is when you come to understand that things are about to happen that you are not prepared for.

This unpreparedness for me is the act of letting go. I must be anal retentive because I’ve always had a real issue with change that was out of my control.
“I’ll see you…when I see you.” he joked, making light of the situation that really began to weigh on me more and more.
“Yeah; there’s always break” I return.
I will miss them, that’s for sure. I spent my summer with them; how could I not miss them?
But it’s the fact that I too must leave and accept this momentous change in my life sooner than I had imagined that makes me feel uneasy. College? I never believed I would live this long, to see myself get this far and have a purpose in life.
Nonetheless. Life lost a tiny, tiny bit of its luster when I had to hug them farewell. Until November.”
And now November has come, and with it this retreat. How much or how little have we all changed, I wonder. I can hardly wait, even though it means shirking scholastic responsibilities.

November 9, 2011

When one registers for classes it feels much like an eBay bid; you put your course in the “shopping cart” and then wait until you’re allowed to “bid”. Yes, I did get the biology professor of my pick. No, my Monday schedule isn’t 12 hours long anymore.

But why can’t I register for chemistry and chem lab? Oh. It says I haven’t met the pre-requisites/requirements. What does this mean…?! If it means my grade isn’t good enough I beg to differ.

Registration mishaps, speech research and preparation, test preparation, lab reports. Thursday, Friday, and Monday deadline. Who needs sleep anyway. A sister emphatically tells me, “God’s got this!” Well.

Chocolat

November 9, 2011

The difference between a good student and an excellent student does not lie in priorities or how many all-nighters he or she accomplishes. One could share a checklist of important dates and to-dos with the top achiever but still fall short and settle for what is acceptable.

Getting what you want means giving things up.

So here’s to less hours of dreaming and more chocolate mocha cocoa.

There’s somewhere I have to be later in life and I’m going to have to be in pain for it, but pain is momentary. He is for forever.

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Reddish Knob

November 6, 2011

When you say it fast it sounds like some kind of German entree…

The highest point in Virginia was our destination today. There was nothing between you and the open air. It felt like you could almost jump off the ledge and glide past everything and graze the treetops as you went. Pictures were taken with different pairings, groups, categories, etc. More than anything it was a time of just enjoying each other’s company in the presence of our King’s splendor.

The journey, however, was a struggle from the beginning; the car broke down right before we went up the mountain so 5 of us were shoved into a sedan with 2 other people already in it. The car was fed the necessary fluid after we came down the mountain. The car was pulled over  by a cop and the driver left his wallet in the previous car. The car is now just dead. But all the mishaps and face-palms will always remind me of what a fellowship is. (Thanks, guys.) The breath of fresh air was much needed. Breathe in then out.

Unfortunately this has been the most unproductive weekend ever. I have a certain spontaneous friend to thank. An entry for another time, when I’m not feeling so down from listening to depressing songs. Thank you, Davido, for the many references.