February 28, 2012

I stumbled upon a website I used to frequent quite a bit in my middle school days. ( sound familiar to anyone…?) It’s a site where you can compile your own playlist of songs, free of cost. The perk was that I could listen to both American and international songs but the deciding factor that had me glued to the monitor was that the first boy I had ever liked introduced the site to me.

We would have AIM conversations about what songs we liked, exchanging and suggesting songs for each other. I think it’s because of my over-obsession with him that caused me to add bands like ELLEGARDEN and other rock bands with crazy electric guitar/bass solos and riffs to my iPod. Eventually those bands would be deleted from my nano but Paramore and Linkin Park and some others seemed to have grown on me.

I’m listening to the playlist now and I can’t believe how easy it is to remember it all. The feelings, I mean; I remember how immensely awkward I was, how my heart felt so light when he smiled, how heavy I felt when he would ignore me, how much I missed him. And everything in between. On and on.

It’s honestly a bit disconcerting to re-experience these sentiments for a person I hardly remember at all, but I can’t help but smile the kind of grin meant for a younger sibling, saying “if only you knew.”

I have found a time capsule and now, about five years later I am forced to remember him and wonder how the kid is doing. I hope with every ounce of my heart that he’s forgotten everything…dear God, You know how awkward I was.

(There’s always Facebook but after all this time I’d rather not leave a “hey! I suddenly remembered you existed!” on his wall.)


Bottled up

February 25, 2012

Snow Crocus

Late-night baking, studying until 3 in the morning, the walk back, and the argument that ensued bundled up all together made me realize that I have dug a ditch and buried a lot of things in it over the course of several years, namely emotions.

Among the discarded things in that ditch is this thing called vulnerability.

I believe I’ve done a splendid job of convincing myself of the importance of my studies; get into medical school somehow and then think about dating, think about myself. But what if it’s not supposed to be so rigid a timeline? What if the things I’m pushing away are meant to be felt and not dumped away to be exhumed at a more convenient time?

My roommate called this a “boy problem” -I beg to differ; the boy was instrumental in revealing this me-problem because I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel anymore. Am I supposed to keep trying to be superhuman or succumb to the frivolousness of my emotions, or is there an intermediate? Yes, I am petrified of getting hurt in the crossfire of loaded diction, unsolicited forwardness, and my own foolhardy imagination. The messiness of constantly checking your phone for that text (even if you didn’t hear the notification), that jealousy, the sensitivity.

Are emotions meant to be controlled and monitored, hidden and stowed away? Is it really as undeniably uncontrollable as everyone says?

But I do know agape love and what it means to give until it hurts. So I’ll do it again, because it’s the only way to be faithful to a jealous God and for all this to disappear.

Secret Cupid

February 12, 2012

Usually I would go on a rant about how Valentine’s Day is nothing but a Hallmark holiday meant to legally snake their hands into your pockets until you’ve run dry. But this year it is different. (This all sounds pretty premature seeing as the 14th is still two days away…)

It’s like Secret Santa but for Valentine’s Day, but what makes this even more exciting is that this is a week-long event. Usually it’s a note of encouragement or a box of candy here or there, but the competitive sides of the guys started clawing their way out and into their wallets. Bouquets, ribbons, bears, chocolates, balloons, and on and on. Although I didn’t make it a goal for myself to impress not only my target but all of the fellowship, I did contribute the majority of my leisure to planning and purchasing. Delivering it to the target, however, presented to be a challenge of its own. Truly the tedious process of creating, composing, purchasing, and just trolling summed up all together was more enjoyable than the receiving. Yes, Walmart and Michael’s probably made bank off of our fellowship in a matter of days, but it was definitely different this time around because it lacked an amorous, romantic tone.

My Secret Cupid was amazing in every way (:


February 10, 2012

Thank you!

Gothenburg (Sweden)

February 7, 2012


February 4, 2012

I’m going to be unprofessional and spew some word-vomit here because no one will listen, no one else will hear me, if I don’t.

Now is one of those moments when I just need to be held.

But the one and only reliable person is too far away and the hour is late.

God, I miss my mom.



February 1, 2012

“Her life is different color than yours so don’t worry about it too much.”

When I say “the college experience” the first thing that seems to come to mind to nearby listeners is a red Solo cup. It’s as if the college campus is a whole other world unto itself where age limits are blurred by the hype and attraction of the fast-pace, that carpe diem life.

Yeah, I’m a college kid but I’m not stupid.

So when my roommate stumbled into the room with a sickly sweet stench trailing in after her I was breaking.

She explicitly stated that she would get drunk as a means of releasing that pent-up frustration this Friday. It didn’t matter if I had a counter argument for every poorly rationalized statement. It was then that I asked her how her walk with Christ was going. I was met with a harsh, “I don’t want to talk about it.” followed by “so I’ll go to hell -whatever.” I had to hide my tears.

I have done everything I could short of strapping her down and yelling at her, to get to her to see that she needs Him and that she can’t escape the world by submersing herself in superficial bliss. What am I supposed to do? How can I be still when I hear His desire to reclaim her heart and life? How do I speak truth into her life if her heart is shut tight?

I’m finding it harder now more than ever to let go and accept change now that my best friend’s life is being dragged under and apart slowly. We all make choices but the thing about life is that there is no undo button. But then again, sometimes we don’t learn unless we make the mistake, or we’re not thankful until we have nothing.

I just want her to feel life the way I do, full of a God who is so in love with me.