Commitment

March 30, 2012

“It’s because you’re afraid to commit, so you’ll run from guy to guy…”

While speaking with a friend a couple nights ago I sensed the inevitable topic of relationships stirring from its slumber, loosening its grip on my closely guarded secrets as it is so wont to do as the night deepens. I tried to brush off the topic by saying dating is messy and time-consuming and what’s the point if I’m not going to end up marring him? To that he replies:

“You could say that every time…”

In reality my conviction is that I need to strengthen a relationship with Christ before pursuing an intimate relationship with another, how dating to me is not solely an entertainment or source of pleasure but rather an expression of interest in “tying the knot.” I have hopes to meet my future partner-for-life in medical school as it seems all my life will be there but who knows where God will land me or who He’ll send my way. I just have to wait.

Just because someone does not want to date does not mean he or she is afraid to commit. You, sir, stepped out of bounds with that claim. You assume too much and see too little. If I know anything about my decision to deny myself this kind of relationship it’s that I’ve craved it as much as I’ve pushed it away. A combination of obedience as well as doubt holds me fast; obedience to a jealous God and doubt in the capabilities of man, so you’ll excuse me if I express my skepticism so boldly.

The kind of love I see in people of my age is not love but a sudden burst of amorous affection followed by stagnation and dissatisfaction. It just doesn’t last and I don’t want to bank my happiness on something that is so temporary, something so fragile. No–I will wait because I will not compromise any bit of myself or sacrifice it for a clumsy boy because I am precious in His sight.

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Prague (Czech Republic)

March 23, 2012

Scent

March 21, 2012

My biology professor has been all over the world and observed species on his hands and knees, from the wilds of the Amazon to the reefs of Queensland. Despite his grandfatherly appearance he is still that Cali teen at heart, so when Friday rolls around he cleverly incorporates tips and advice for the party-going populace of the class into his lectures. In one class explaining speciation he reminds the class that

“You need to be in the right place at the right time, say the right things, and do the right things. That’s how you’re gonna impress at the party!”

Signals -that’s the point. If God made me a bee I think I’d be disowned by the colony because signals are not my thing when it comes to receiving. I never realize the implications until it’s too late and now is one of them. I’ve been treading dangerous waters but my dense carapace couldn’t make sense of anything.

You’ve used this fellowship to tell me that I am allowed to feel this loved and this special. You’ve used these people to show me that birthdays are meant to be celebrated and enjoyed.

You’re the best.

Countdown

March 11, 2012

My birthday is in approximately 2 hours!

There won’t be party poppers or streamers like there were on my 17th, but the fruit tart and the friends are enough. The only damper on the occasion is the fact that the last hurdle of the school year begins at the same time. Huzzah. At least the weather will apparently be amazing tomorrow…which is quite a stark contrast with the actual day I was born…

Thailand Team 2011

March 1, 2012

Hey guys.

I just found our team picture, the one we took before we headed for the airport.

As in any picture we’re all smiling and for some reason it warms my heart like no other photograph can.

I wish there were more eloquent words that would do justice to what I’m feeling but it seems all I can manage is “I miss you.” I hope you’re all still smiling like this, still brilliant in your own ways.

I love you more than you could ever know.

Sin cere,

Dory

Prioritize

March 1, 2012

During first semester I found that teaching the material I was learning helped with retention, so I became a personal tutor for two friends.

This semester I have found that our little trio has doubled and I am to be a teacher. What was first a good intention to help a few peers turned into a…class. It takes a certain amount of temerity to expect one person to cater to the needs of five others, especially when she (being myself) hasn’t had the time for her own studies. But I volunteered for this, didn’t I?

I thoroughly enjoy helping out, truly, I do. The problem comes when I can’t discern when to throw them a lifeline or to let the line go slack. Ideally, we would all learn from each other and all get A’s. Hoorah. I’ve realized that to achieve this I’ve placed it upon myself to do everything I can to get them through, including trading my precious study time for dusty hands and hours in front of a white board. Without a doubt I unconsciously held fast to the African proverb “To go fast travel alone, but to go far travel together” like a mandate.

So when one came calling, saying he’s hit a sandbar, I couldn’t help but respond, but now I realize it’s not my problem or my concern for them to pass these classes. The cold hard truth is a slap in the face, but this is reality; I can’t pull everyone through with me and it’s selfish and cruel, but they have their own choice to sink or swim. I’m here to only help.

“You can’t save the world,” says my mom. For some reason I’ve had to butt heads with this in almost every decision I made in college.