April 29, 2012

Of all the times this could have happened it must happen now, when finals are so close and my nerves are already frayed, when I can’t handle anything more. I cannot keep getting refills of Tramadol. And the heating pad isn’t helping relax the tangled mess of nerves at the base of my spine.

Tonight I’m just having hell.



April 26, 2012

I got one of these bad boys in my philosophy class.

I am ready to die at the hands of my parents.

F for farewell.

F is for feeling so depressed.

A voice says, “Trust me. I got you, I got this.”

The hardest thing in the world for me is to be a disappointment and I cannot bear to even call my mom to tell her I miss her.

So I’m going to trust You and believe You’ve got the whole world in Your hands.

I try to be so tough,

But I’m just not strong enough.

I can’t do this alone,

God, I need You to hold onto me.

I try to be good enough

But I’m nothing without Your love.

Savior, please,

Keep saving me.


April 17, 2012

Making bank off college students.

I hate sweating. I hate the feeling of my clothes sticking to me or hair plastering over my forehead in limp strands. But I love running. The warm up, the stretch, then the run. I’ve come to realize that physical endurance is key, but it is more a mental strain than anything.

Can you ignore your lungs screaming for more oxygen? Can you ignore your heart beating ever faster? Will you continue even when you’ve convinced yourself that you’ve reached the limit?

Better yet, will you keep going even when everyone else has stopped?

I believe the dark circles under my eyes are testament enough. It has become a 24-hour schedule of studying interrupted by classes and the occasional, unfortunate victim of my outbursts. I have devolved into a hermit crab, a crustacean who carries the bare essentials on her back–laptop, notebook, textbook–and avidly avoids company. (Even as I type this out my eyes droop with the weight of many sleepless nights.)

But I’m almost done. Just a little further and I’ll be there–it’s not like I haven’t been running this whole time so what’s another mile? Part of the joy of running is pushing your limits, going until you really can’t breathe anymore. Eventually the raging pulse will calm, the weariness erased from my limbs, and breath will return.

Everything’s going to be okay.


April 16, 2012

Ryan Clark (Senior–Psychology/Biology/English)

Emily Hilscher (Freshman–Animal Sciences)

Minal Panchal (Masters–Architecture)

GV Loganathan (Professor of Engineering)

Jarrett Lane (Senior–Civil Engineering)

Brian Bluhm (Masters–Civil Engineering)

Matthew Gwaltney (Masters–Environmental Engineering)

Jeremy Herbstritt (Masters–Civil Engineering)

Partahi Lumbantoruan (PhD–Civil Engineering)

Daniel O’Neil (Masters–Environmental Engineering)

Juan Ortiz (Masters–Civil Engineering)

Julia Pryde (Masters–Biological Systems Engineering)

Waleed Shaalan (PhD–Civil Engineering)

Jamie Bishop (German instructor)

Lauren McCain (Freshman–International Studies)

Michael Pohle Jr. (Senior–Biological Sciences)

Maxine Turner (Senior–Chemical Engineering)

Nicole White (Junior–International Studies)

Liviu Librescu (Professor of Engineering)

Jocelyne Couture-Nowak (Professor of French)

Ross Alameddine (Sophomore–English/Business)

Austin Cloyd (Freshman–International Studies/French)

Daniel Perez Cueva (Junior–International Studies)

Caitlin Hammaren (Sophomore–International Studies/French)

Rachael Hill (Freshman–Biological Sciences)

Matthew La Porte (Sophomore–Political Science)

Henry Lee (Freshman–Computer Engineering)

Erin Peterson (Freshman–International Studies)

Mary Karen Read (Freshman–Interdisciplinary Studies)

Reema Samaha (Freshman–Urban Planning)

Leslie Sherman (Junior–History/International Studies)

Kevin Granata (Professor of Engineering)

Seung-Hui Choi (Senior–English)


April 15, 2012

A voice is a voice but not simply so when it belongs to one who sings.

If I had a voice I would gladly do what you do, but for now I’ll silently use my fingers to sing for me just as you use yours to strum.

Movie: Pride & Prejudice

April 15, 2012

The first dance.

I had read the novel first but it has been ages since the last time Jane Austen was my companion. I had been meaning to watch the film because I do remember the novel leaving such an impression on me, but I did not get to watch it until tonight.

Director Joe Wright did a splendid job of following the dialogues in each mood and setting, each facial expression, gesture, and body language–as far as I can remember the script was actually verbatim from the book, which is a rare occurrence. Keira Knightley was stunning and flawless as usual and Matthew Macfayden was the embodiment of Mr. Darcy. I think what really puts this movie on my shelf of favorites is the effort that went into the cinematography; the main theme of the book was present throughout. Wright truly brought out the title of Austen’s work in every scene–the pride of both characters as well as the prejudice brought on by their separate social classes. So much, in fact, was this point emphasized that the interactions between these dynamic characters was always an important marker in the story line. And all the more is the underlying romance motif brought out; it’s a “love conquers all” where the extreme influence and pressure society plays on appearance/reputation and even personal choice are simply tossed aside.

So naturally I was just an excited and overjoyed mess when the kiss scene came. I’m sure anyone would have been squealing like a stuck pig because the scene was artfully and so beautifully filmed. The concluding scene killed me–“Mrs. Darcy…Mrs. Darcy…Mrs. Darcy.” Mr. Darcy is truly the ideal gentleman.


April 13, 2012

With only two weeks of school left it has to be happening now?

Despite all the hardships and just moments where I wanted to give up completely this week, God quiets my raucousness. It only took an 8 hour “nap” to get this through. Going to sleep at 7:00 pm with the intention of getting up an hour later resulted in total confusion: I didn’t understand how time wound backwards to 4 in the afternoon because why else would it be this dark? But I checked my phone and voila–there, next to the time was the “AM”.

So before the bustle of morning routine begins in the hall, I want to enjoy this silence. This peace.

Low watt

April 4, 2012

I somehow find a way to make myself look like a total arse in those times I’m not supposed to. In just one hour I made myself an arrogant student, a Christian who doesn’t actually know anything about Him, an awkward bundle of awkward, and did I say complete idiot? It was never a job interview, I get it. But still, I feel like I lost the spot.

I keep thinking: what if everything I vomited up out of awkwardness is who I actually am? 

That’s what scares me the most. 


April 2, 2012

my Dad and King–

Your timing is perfect and You definitely work in mysterious ways. I see that infamous love again; God, I see Your heart for her and I see how You reclaimed her life. Lord, I praise You for You are mighty to save. You didn’t need me in the end, no–You wanted to catch her in Your arms Yourself. I am humbled and stand in awe of You.

Through all of this heartbreak, tears, and pain I caught a glimpse of Your heart for Your flock. For me. And I have fallen even more in love with You.

You are from everlasting to everlasting, Dad. Thanks. From all that this creature can possibly muster, thank you.