Anger

May 31, 2012

A man blessed with the spiritual gift of healing by touch and even by his presence told me today that I need to stop being angry.

He didn’t even know my name but the moment he felt my pulse he tells me that I am easily angered and that anger flares up like a fire at the base of a tree, but that tree is quickly consumed and as such so is that rage, leaving me with regret.

He explained to me that he believes this short fuse was a problem even when I was younger, which explains the persisting asthma, scoliosis, and even menstrual cramps. The negative “chi” is twisting my body.

“Your heart has a mirror and its reflection is the condition of your body.”

I thought I was pretty tolerant and even prided myself in not blowing up every opportunity I got, but today I was taught the difference between covering up the emotion and not feeling it at all. This will be one of the hardest things I’m going to work on.

God is honing me.

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Replacement

May 24, 2012

Trip update: It’s been almost exactly 2 weeks since I left the States and am definitely having a wonderful time here in Seoul.

The first week was spent at a treatment center, an experience marked with an extraordinary amount of pain, heat, and environmental damage (to produce said heat). But I had never felt my body so light and painless once the ordeal was done. I was taught how to live a healthy lifestyle and that’s how my spine has begun to realign. Brilliant.

Anyway.

The real experience begins next week, when my cousin will be able to take me around. Shopping, eating, eating, and eating. This place comes alive in the night lights, did you know? And yet, in the midst of all this discovery and gluttony and spending, I find that it would be a whole lot more fun if I could share this with some more people.

It is decided:

I am adding an international trip with a couple friends to my bucket list. I’m not sure I’ll care where, but definitely when I’ve graduated college. Make no mistake: I enjoy solitude and I feel it is much needed after being so hurt by people at school, but going on a trip to Australia with 3 other friends sounds a whole lot more appealing than traveling with just your family, no? And yes, the statement of the last post still holds…ha. I’m a brat.

I Miss

May 23, 2012

The problem is I don’t.

Isn’t that strange? It’s the brutal, honest truth and there’s no way to make it sound better than it already does:

I don’t long to see anyone nor do I crave anyone’s company.

Give me a list of names with all my friends on it and I would pause at a couple names, hesitating before each dusty memory that resurfaces, but none would make me bat a single eyelash and cave in so desperately to seek their company.

Is it because I’ve lost sight of their value as a person? Is it because “missing” has become about how I miss the service(s) he/she could perform for me rather than the person itself? Is it because it’s because an intrinsic method of shutting out the hurt? Or is it simply because I am so caught up in the here-and-now, seeing only the adventure ahead and blind to all else?

It sounds rather selfish and thoughtless. But butter is butter and jelly is jelly–I don’t miss anyone and I don’t feel any remorse for it. How can you force yourself to feel something that’s not there? Thus I cannot force myself to miss anyone for it seems, at the moment, that that is not within the bounds of my emotional spectrum. Family is a different matter of course, to an extent.

The strange thing about me is that I don’t miss anyone until after I’ve rejoined them in laughter and that’s only for a split second because it’s the realization that I’ve gone on so long without that laugh or smile. Pity.

Describes my relationship with God perfectly, so does that mean it also describes my relationship with other people?

The people who have been sewn into the canvas of my life, the ones stitched in the corners where the frame keeps me steady, have not left me. And I thank God for that.

Counting down

May 8, 2012

Now that I’ve just finished unpacking all my junk from college I need to pack up again (once the laundry comes out) for the first of two overseas trips I’ll be making this summer. Technically the last time I was in Korea was this past summer when I was at Incheon International for a connecting flight to and from Bangkok, Thailand, but the last time I actually stayed/lived in Korea was in 5th grade. That’s almost 8 years ago.

Where I live things don’t change very much in 8 years besides maybe the curtains or the paint in the living room, but going from middle-class suburbia to an “outsider” in the city is still a big enough change for me. Sight-seeing has been done before, so now that I’m considered “of age” there I’m not restricted to amusement parks and the Han River. Yes, “of age” does mean I am allowed to drink alcohol and I can’t say that I’m not curious how soju tastes, but that’s still up to house rules as my mom will be accompanying me.

Night life and city lights aside, this trip isn’t meant to be a recreational trip. It’s primarily to see a specialist in physical therapy, so for a girl with scoliosis and incredible bouts of back pain, a two thousand dollar trip doesn’t sound half bad. And of course meeting up with one of my best friends only makes it that much more enticing. Regardless of who, what, and why, excited doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about the next 4 weeks.

2 more days.

Disconnect

May 8, 2012

I want to deactivate my Facebook and go on a Tumblr hiatus.

For the summer I want to hide, which is why I suppose the month long trip to Korea is so enticing. I feel like I’m in need of those afternoons where my perch is the window and my time found in a book. Quiescence would be my companion as I travel to imaginary places and live fictitious lives. It would be a sort of convalescence.

As much as I hate to admit it, I think I am hiding from people. Of course I miss people. Yes, the day is not the same because I don’t see so-and-so everyday anymore. But in general, I’ve assumed roles in groups that are not me and that’s what is so disturbing. I never thought my insecurities ran this deep, that I lacked that kind of self-confidence and the wherewithal to express myself without fear.

There is a dissonance of who I thought I was to people and who I am actually perceived to be. Go figure; that’s life, right? But I feel as though retreating into myself is more than just me figuring out who I want to be and how to rationalize being so left out–by disconnecting wouldn’t that also show me who cares enough to still keep in touch [via text]? It’s a particularly odd and petty test, yes, but I do wonder and I’m sure it’s a thought that has crossed everyone’s minds at one point in their lives–Who would still care if you disappeared?

If I didn’t have Christ I would find my value diminished had I invested my worth in social interactions and hierarchy, but because I don’t the situation I find myself in now is quite frustrating. Being treated as though I am not appreciated at all for a while makes one believe it, and that’s what this is all about.

In a previous post I had implied a brighter disposition and outlook on this situation, but when I start questioning who I am and what I mean to people it means the hurt cut deep. Is this selfish? Is this immature? Frankly, I don’t care either way. “I do what I want.”

Sensitive

May 6, 2012

Krypton

 

What would you do if people planned events and never sent you the invite, but when the event comes and goes they inquire about your absence? What would you do if it happens quite frequently? How would you react to that feeling of figuring out about a event that happened without you after it’s happened?

How does one react to being so easily overlooked?

My fellowship has helped me grow as a Christian, but my class has hurt me more than I have ever been hurt by another person. Hearing “sorry” doesn’t help anymore after you’ve said it multiple times, but what I hate most is that people assume because they’d rather not take the effort to fill in the blanks by actually getting to know me.

I never asked to be part of everything, nor do I want it; pursuing a major in biology isn’t the most time-friendly choice, so I understand  sacrifice. But cliques/marginalizing in a fellowship should not be happening because it means some are not good enough, so you must understand why I am a bit put out when everyone else is in on something and I’m here in the corner because “someone forgot to tell her” or “we thought you were busy.”

The saddest thing is that I am not the only one who is bitter and hurt from the exclusion and overabundance of passivity, which is what makes this ordeal worse.

The hardest thing yet is that through all the betrayal, lies, and just hurts I still need to love them. Even when they don’t love me. Because that is what it means to follow Christ. The human paradox, I call it:

People give the deepest hurts but people also heal.

“Begin”

May 3, 2012

“Tomorrow will be my last full day at home.

Tomorrow will be the last day I sleep in my own bed.
Tomorrow will be the last day I see my parents.
Until break, that is, but because I’m a teenager I’ll just pretend like the only future is right now.
The point is I’m pretty gosh darn excited for this huge step, this giant ordeal called college. Part of me wants to ride that gust of freedom right out the front door and just let it carry me through what is to come. Another part of me realizes that this is where the stakes get higher, the waters deeper, and the rewards greater–it is what one might call an awakening to the hard reality of responsibility. I have been pumped full of love, support, and an interesting amount of cash. For now I feel as if the world is just waiting for me to make a mark, as if it’s anticipating my arrival.
It’s time to chart my course and grab fast onto the helm of the present because I daresay I must travel like the wind to even try to twine my fingers twixt the mist of my dreams, grabbing fast onto the dotted fabric of the night sky and never letting go. It all sounds wonderful when one phrases it like so but I am intelligent enough to know that up ahead be stranger tides and rocky reefs. But there also be the horizon, beautiful when the sun rises and sets.”

This was only a couple months ago; August 21st seems like a lifetime ago. And tomorrow, May 4th I will conclude the first year of college. Someone pushed the fast-forward button and forgot to stop it because I still remember moving in like yesterday. I still remember crying from homesickness the second month in. I remember going up to the creepy attic of the old biology building. I remember all the nightly escapades. I remember the awkward crush phases everyone had (LOL). And so much more.

Freshman year has ended already? And you’re telling me that this year’s freshmen will find it harder to be this close in the future? I don’t doubt it, but family is family and I don’t know what I would do without them.

Summer, I’m coming!

Reminder

May 2, 2012

The more and more I think about how my first year of college is ending the more I realize one thing:

You are allowed to change.

You are allowed to discover what you like and what you don’t, what you want and what you’d rather leave behind. You are allowed to change to find yourself, the one tucked away deep inside under layers and layers of…things, like barriers and fluff.

A metamorphosis to become someone better. If it means changing your vocabulary then do it. If it means changing your wardrobe, do it. If it means changing your friends, it’s going to be hard but you gotta do it. I am allowed to delve deeper and taste a different diction, breathe another attitude, and so I think my change is happening now.

Servanthood

May 2, 2012

I have come to the sad realization that the majority of my posts have been lacking a bit of sunshine and daisies.

It seems I have let the stress and the pressure get to me, and somehow it’s been allowed to leak to the surface where it presses wrinkles into my forehead and brow. I’ve retreated further and further in to myself, stowing myself away so I could best focus on what needs to be done without the clamor of the world. But that was my mistake because the mind can brew strange things and foster paranoia, especially when the body has been denied rest.

Hours and hours on end of leafing through pages of textbooks, notes, and the like, bolstered by caffeine to face the sunrise is what the challenge of finals appears to present. From coaxing the neural pathways back into use or reestablishing that spark with review, or just cramming the information into short term memory also appears to be quite the ordeal.

For me it is all of these, but one of the hardest things has been (and still is) to maintain love. Love in my heart, in my actions, and in my thoughts. Love that still puts others before oneself. Love that has the patience to put down the study guide and help struggling peers. Love that sees the human aspect of these students.

Finals week is supposed to be the hardest challenge the education system throws at students but to me it’s one of the greatest tests of faith; how much do I love Him and desire to honor Him? Would I still praise Him when the hours of work produce mediocrity? Would I still submit even when I lack sleep, am behind on studies, have grown tired and fed up with people? And hardest of all, a reoccurring problem I find to be more than coincidence:

Will I choose to honor Him even when these people continue to hurt me and throw me away?

I am still learning how to don the heart of a servant, but for now the one thing that is as clear as dawn is that God has had to put me in His shoes to show me His perspective, for me to learn His heart. First His love. Now humility.

This post was originally going to be another spiel about how I’ve been hurt a lot lately by people in my fellowship, but it turns out I shall conclude this with a dash of hope and spot of boldness when I say that I won’t stop. Hospitals are for the sick, not the healthy, thus love is for those who have not love. And no scantron, no essay, and no amount of stress should change this.

Push on.