Something I Hate

September 16, 2012

I hate being forgotten.



September 13, 2012

“I am tired, Beloved,
of chafing my heart against
the want of you;
of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it.”
-Amy Lowell, “The Letter”

It’s not in accepting it. It’s in maintaining it.

It’s not admitting to defeat.

Defeat can be defined by simply looking at the blue sky wondering what he’s doing and then gazing into the stars and wondering if the skies are blue on his side. Yes, even your iPod is a threat because you might allow these cumbersome emotions attach to songs, making that catharsis a permanent memory. Wondering if he thinks of you as often as you wonder about him, stopping in the middle of the day because the feeling of missing him overwhelms you for a good minute and then having the courage to swallow it deeper and not say a word of it to anyone. It’s all so very tedious and persistent because I have found that it lurks behind every photo, stalks the shades of your memories, and even manages to tempt your heart and captivate your mind with those what-ifs. 

It seems the only aid at my disposal is time. The paradox of this, however, is that time answers to no person.

Oh, what fun these next 2 months are going to be…


September 6, 2012

Singing Butler by Jack Vettriano

I forget how far into the future God has planned. He sort of transcends the concept of time.

I forget how much He loves me. He just wants me, with all my iniquities and inadequacies, my temper and my fickleness.

And He’s reminded me today of these two things.

So with that I will drop what I’ve been holding on to since the end of that retreat. I say “drop” because it requires me to completely let go and detach. It frees my hands so I can hold the Teacher’s in mine. He says to me,

“Let me love you. I will take care of the rest.”

So even if a certain someone comes home during Thanksgiving break and he does pick up his phone to ask how I’ve been, my heart will still be tethered above. I’m not going to wait and hope like I have been because I’m hoping for something I’m not ready for.

What happens happens.

Dream #2

September 5, 2012

In the first one God of the heavens, E-flat major, cyan blue, and butanol wanted to know if I would standby what I had promised him. He was testing my faithfulness.

Now in this dream He opens my eyes to my unfaithfulness. Now my God asks me what I’m going to do.

All day I’ve thought about it and realized that I was treating God like a friend whom I disagree with. That friend doesn’t know what you’re really feeling but you’ll nod assent to avoid bickering. But there’s no hiding when you’re in a relationship with Him. I guess I should start with being totally honest.

And honestly, I don’t want to let him go.

Jealous God

September 2, 2012