Dear You,

March 22, 2013

I hope you don’t take things the wrong way. Actually, I hope you don’t take anything any way. I just wanted to see how you were because we were friends at one point, you know? Or maybe you don’t. But because I do I’m gonna put my neck out there once again. There are no strings attached so, please, feel free to respond in whatever manner you wish. Just not silence. I don’t know how much more silence I can bear. I’m not forcing anything. I never wanted that, I hope you know.

But if you realize you haven’t heard from me in a while and it’s not a bother, if you decide you miss knowing what’s going on with bland ole me, if you find you’ve held off long enough, thenĀ respond. I thought I was done writing letters to you, but it looks like that anxiety never really left. I don’t want you to be counting the seconds when I speak with you. But that’s being selfish.

Goodnight, bud.



On Demand

March 19, 2013

It seems I have received the call to go on an incredible journey in Kona, Hawaii. It’s part of YWAM (Youth With A Mission) and is known as Discipleship Training School. Or just DTS. If I get in (because the board actually prays over each applicant/application for God’s approval), then I’d be leaving in July and returning in December; 3 months lecture and then 3 months outreach in a foreign country. Putting a hold on my education was never a possibility to me and if anyone asked me if I would ever consider graduating college in more than 4 years I would snort with mirth. But things have changed. No–I’ve changed. Now is the time, when I’ve finally realized that academics are NOT the say-all and that there is a God who has no need to comply with the concept of grade point averages and transcripts.

It’s going to be rough, and even now I have my doubts, but God gets what He wants in the end so it doesn’t really matter how I feel right now.

But there is a pull from another direction and it is in the form of a past romantic interest. I admit; I had lied to my friends about keeping it casual. In the back of my mind I had stored away nuggets of hope for fantastic outcomes, which is pretty outlandish when considering the time frame of it all. When the time came to lock away that chest of secrets I did so and threw it out. Or so I thought. I missed some of those hopeful daydreams and they’ve come back to prod and meddle.

I know where I’m going.
And I know where my attention splits.

I sincerely hope he is convalescing speedily. I wish for a lot of things, like how I wish he didn’t toss me away while in another country and how I wish he let me know when he came back. How I wished for a birthday post to affirm that we’re chill but received nothing. Etc. But for every season there is a reason, yeah? It’s hard not to feel that bitterness stir at the pit of my stomach when I see him so blissfully unaware of how aware I am, but then I have to tell myself not to be such a sniveling pansy. Besides. How blissfully unaware do I seem in my Facebook pictures to him (if he cared)?

When I get to Kona I will be abandoning him because there will be no time to wish for things and remember. I said I was done and I meant it.

Summer Power Plan

March 10, 2013

If I can’t get an internship, then I will:

  • apply for the externship (June 3-14 | July 8-19)
  • apply for a physician observership
  • CPR/AED certification
  • EMR/FR certification with Red Cross?