Sea salt and sweet dreams

January 31, 2014

Take me to the ocean
Where the shore sends the patient tide away
Over and over
And still receives its gentle kisses,
Again and again.

Take me to the ocean
Where words become nothings
And the constant rhythm of ebb and flow
Invites Silence.
Be still.

Take me to the ocean
So I can throw everything I know
Into its awning maw.
Sink, from crystal to cobalt,
Cerulean to sapphire.

I will walk with You, Oh my God,
Along the shore that is my heart.
Swallow me whole for I never want to leave
The intimacy of Your touch,
for You surround me and You know me.

You are the breath I need, so I need not surface.
Your grace abounds and carries me, so I need not walk.
Your love soaks into me and I begin to see
There is a garden above and below,
All I need is to rest in You.

I am Yours and You call me to walk in Your covenant.
In the light of Your glory You call me daughter of Zion:
Slumber no more, arise from these waters,
And walk.
I will be your strength, and I will be your guide.

Never have I left you and never will I abandon you. Beloved, be strong and courageous for I AM with you. I will uphold you and strengthen your frame.



January 28, 2014

It’s much easier to come to terms with the end of a friendship when you’re the one narrating it, especially when you can rationalize it through text and words that can be manipulated to construe an immensity of regret and helplessness at the situation. In all honesty it seems much cleaner and definitely easier to just leave things lie. “The dirt comes back up if you stir the waters again, so hush, and say your silent good byes to that cold shadow you once called best friend.” That’s me.

But I cannot function this way (for long). Because I am brusque and I am abrasive I can’t just smooth the lines of this ordeal with a few words, a few angst-ridden blog posts. “So what if you lose her? All she did was hurt you, and after all these years she fed you lies with a little truth to help it go down easier. You’re not losing much if you just let go. Let go.” It is all so tempting, to hate and justify it proudly.

Oh, God, you are growing me in these desert storms. To concede to her no matter how wrong I feel she is is humility. To refuse to persist is pride. To love her is to love You, and to keep a list of her indiscretions is arrogance. Have I been self-righteous, confidently over-stepping my boundaries with the pompous excuse of understanding God better? Will things ever settle? I wonder how great Your plans for me must be for this breaking relationship to be the water I need instead of the storm I feel. God, You are good. You don’t need me to love her, but right now she has no one else who will fight for her. I know You’ve equipped me for this though I can’t see it right now, so when it’s time I trust You will guide me. No one is beyond Your reach for You know us intimately. I pray for a breakthrough in her life -Lord, may this be the tension before your glory is revealed and the weight of it seeps between those cracks. Shatter all the chains the enemy has ensnared her in so she may pronounce freedom in Your name with her own voice. May she head straight into the wilderness and never return to her Egypt. In Your perfect timing. In Your just name. Amen.

Sixth sense

January 20, 2014

Much of the human experience goes unsaid. Physical, emotional, and spiritual. Perhaps that is why the Lord allows discernment and divine intercession to be such a powerful tool to minister to our supposedly hidden vices. (“Hidden” things don’t do well in the presence of my God, as I’ve learned and continue to learn.) But suppose we don’t want to be tended to; we’d rather scurry away to our dank corners of comfortable habit, seething the piercing truth that He brings through a vessel granted this discernment.

Let me flip that perspective. You are the vessel who has been bestowed the high honor of feeling and knowing the Lord’s heart for a particular friend. You are the one given incredible insight into and through the complex infrastructure of his or her defenses, into his or her heart. Because now your heart breaks for the one the Lord’s breaks for, do you not feel the urgency in reaching him/her? But what if he/she pulls away, retreats further from the truth you hold out and back into comfort–binges of alcohol, boys/girls, working?

What do I do when all I have for my friend now is a contemptuous smirk and snide remarks, barely hemmed in behind my teeth? What do you do when that compassion has soured?

Lean on me, Beloved. 

I hate boys. They are nothing more than distractions, but chase after one long enough and you’ll see how much of you you’ve lost along the way. Oh, God, gives us strength to guard our hearts from the tricks and lies of the enemy. Lord, may we seek YOU alone, waiting on You for all things, including our Boaz. Give me patience. Quiet the tides of my roiling heart so You can shine through this dirty vessel. Because You can do that. You are in the business of making the impossible possible. Forgive me for having such little love in my heart, sparing less and less for those around me so it can be spent on myself. God, You hold her life in Your hands. Your ways are mysterious; who am I to question your methods? You are mightier than any imposing circumstance, Your ways are wiser than any decision I could ever suggest as wise. I just ask that You reclaim her, for good this time, not because I do not have faith in Your jealousy but because this is my heart.