Shoulds and Coulds

February 27, 2014

Sometimes I regret not spending more time to do life with other friends. The friends I have come to know are great, and frankly, I could have spent more time with them, too. But I regret not going to game nights or potluck nights with my other friends. I am missing out on people and therefore life. People are gems, every one of them. That’s why it’s hard to pick and choose because you’re never going to find another one like it. You simply can’t have ’em all. But still. I wish I could have heard their stories. 



February 3, 2014

Five years from now, who will you be? Actually, I’m more self-centered than that. 

I meant: “Five years from now who will you be to me?”

How will I speak of you? You could be the friend who challenged me and ultimately were my growing pains, but “one day we stopped being close” for some reason. You could just be the roommate who never learned to be self-sufficient and left everything up to me to clean. Both would be you, but honestly,

I don’t want to think of you as a stain. A smudge I never wanted.

I no longer want your apologies. I’ve lost count, but to be honest I was never really counting. It is now a fight to stay near you because every second of it is a reminder that you have lied to me, time and time again. But I don’t want your apology. I also do not need it. 

What I want is for you to know how you have wronged so many people and persistently sought the titles of both “victor” and “victim” at the end of it all. You think I am weak for remaining still, for not returning your biting, poisonous volleys, and you find some sick pleasure in this. Part of me begs for justice to be done, for those wretched words and deeds to be accounted for. But my definition of “fair” and “justice” are quite different from the Lord’s. 

Someday you will see, hear, feel, taste, and touch. You are sleeping again, but your awakening is not far away, my friend. I guess the real question, then, is where will I be when it happens? Or rather when. Will I still be there? Unlike Stephanie, I do not believe we are “forever friends.” Not an inch of me believes it nor wants to. Not like this. 


February 3, 2014

That is what You are to me.