Mixed media

July 16, 2014

Sometimes emotions are like sunglasses. They can dictate how you perceive and receive. It adds tones to voices, intensity to body language, and even lessens contrast and variety to filter what we want or don’t want to know.

For someone who catches on to things pretty quickly, I find I can’t rely on my observations once emotions are involved. They tend to clout my judgement and impair my objectivity. Now, I have had practice with shades of anger so I know its two-step well. With the lighter, happier ones like joy there is only the precaution against being swept away and becoming entirely drunk off the moment. Despair is a little more tricky but through the years I have learned its doldrums and patterns.

So it’s through periods in life and all manner of people one learns self-control in the midst of emotional ordeals.

But one I have never been able to pin a pattern or likeness to is not really an emotion at all. It’s commonly mistaken as love, but it’s closer to excitement, curiosity, hope, and the pain of longing all lumped into one amorphous, cancerous mass. It’s wishing and wanting the desires of your heart, in the form of a person. It’s the beginning of the beginning of hope for love.

The trouble with this is we tend to project our expectations and most definitely our starry-eyed hopes on said individual. And what’s worse is we are willing to consciously make poor decisions on account of the unstructured mass poignantly nicknamed as a “crush”. Yours truly is most certainly guilty of this. It begins by spreading into our thoughts, becoming our daydreams. It spreads into the deeper recesses of our hearts until we find we’re able to conform our previous ambitions and plans around this person. Physically we begin to respond too.

I am by nature a cautious person. The level-headed me has learned from past experiences where to put caution signs and red tape. But if anyone is honest with themselves, no amount of flashing lights or red things would deter you from something you honestly, truly think is worth what’s up ahead.

We’ve all seen chick flicks, where love triumphs against all odds and expectations. The new kid ends up with the hot girl or guy and it’s a dream come true. Etc. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. It most definitely could and sometimes it does.

But because I take these things quite seriously, I always posit a question –it’s sort of like my safety net:

How present am I when I develop a crush?

I believe the Lord meant for us to apply our higher thinking to all things we do. That would include our relationships and the governing of our feelings and the consequent actions. It is my responsibility to guard my heart and renounce recklessness concerning its investment. Yes, sometimes I’ll need to be bold and brave but it’s dependent on the approval of the Lord.

I have made the mistake over and over of assigning meaning to words and actions that had no reciprocating feelings to betray. I sorted through the observations I made and immediately disposed of or edited proof against my assumption and hope of a mutual interest. But if you don’t have to work for your spouse, then it’s crystal clear that he will make his intentions crystal clear.

“Worry not,” He says to me. “I have not forgotten about you and I never will.”