Complaints

August 27, 2015

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Kingpin

Since graduating uni in May there have been many things that have happened, both good and bad.
I won’t elaborate on either because I refuse to allow myself any excuse to complain further about my circumstances, but I can say that it has not been easy.
Now, upon reading this one might retort with, “What did you expect? Welcome to the ‘real world’ “. It might have been naive of me to expect all my plans to work out seamlessly. Yes, God has only let me have my way with my summer once, but I was not anticipating this many detours. Instead of listing my grievances I’ll simply describe where I’ve landed on this obstacle course since crossing one of many finish lines.

It seems I am in a pit. I don’t think it was ever part of the route–I think I deliberately dug it. Whether out of anger or frustration I do not know, but originially it wasn’t this deep. I could have climbed out and continued on, but I didn’t. I haven’t. Instead, it feels more like I’ve been attempting to continue the course underground, digging my way through like a mole but without its faculties. The sudden stalls and jerks in this ambitious pursuit are boulders and bedrock and the maze of other responsibilities that keep appearing are the roots. As I deal with these struggles instead of resurfacing, I am surrounded by an overwhelming feeling of ineptitude. It’s dark and I can’t see how much headyway I’ve made or how much is left to go, and it seems to get darker with every rejection.  If I was seeing this from God’s perspective it would be a hilarious but pitiful thing to watch.

This whole process is frustrating, and yes, sometimes it’s enough to bring me to tears. Some days I just want to stay in bed because things will not be any different. Games are my escape into an endless nexus of instant relief and distraction. It is just a perpetual state of waiting and the status quo is only ever changed when polite “no thank you’s” arrive in my inbox.
But I know this is not it. I know it; this isn’t just a feeling. It just sucks for right now. I do know, though, that when I look back at this period of my life I want to see that I was able to plant a garden in this storm. How wasteful it is if all I have to offer the Lord after two years time are empty hands.