Dear You,

January 16, 2016

I will miss you,
but I know I will be seeing you again, my friend.

With all my shooting stars,

M

P.S. I bet you didn’t flip the card over. But you should. There are some dank Bible versus there.

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January 11, 2016

van_gogh_almond_blossom

Amandier en fleurs -Vincent van Gogh

To endure is to suffer.

There has been an ever-growing skepticism sitting in my chest, seemingly weighing down my heart. It grabs at the flecks of doubt that drift by, and little by little my optimism begins to sink.

I have a fear, you see, that the timing of it all is off, that it’s wrong. The amount of time I need to complete 2000+ hours of direct patient contact, the ticking clock on the validity of my credit hours, the urgency of studying for the GRE as well as classes I will need to retake, volunteering, and somehow finding a way to go be abroad for 5 months. This is happening, these fears. Right now. It is a new level of multitasking that I am not prepared for. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to complete these things,  meaning I will need to compensate somewhere somehow.

The problem is, however, that I am physically worn. Oh God, how my mind yearns to be challenged and refresh on all that hard-earned knowledge, but full-time 12 hour shifts hardly leave room for much else besides eating and sleeping, and sometimes just the latter. Am I just making excuses? I know I can do better and I’m revving to take on the challenge, but it’s daunting because I am afraid of who I’ll turn into should I put 100% into this pursuit. I am afraid that it won’t matter even if I do.

This, right now, is a commitment step. Is where I’m heading the way the Lord wants me to go, or is it going to take another monumental decision 10 years later to reroute me to the direction I was supposed to make now? Words friends have spoken over me and the passions that stir up my heart are puzzle pieces that fit with each other but not with the one I currently have clenched in my fist. The biggest fear is that I’m supposed to let it go because then I won’t know where to pick up again.

Perhaps you don’t have all the pieces yet.
But if that’s the case, then how am I supposed to know I didn’t somehow pick up a random piece that isn’t part of the set?

I don’t give faulty boxes with missing parts or incompatible pieces. 

He said to me, “You have a fire that burns so fiercely that when I touched you I felt it come to me.” But a fire for what. I’m not sure of what I want anymore, or maybe it’s that this trek through this valley has that hidden behind the looming mountains ahead. I don’t know.

If Your presence does not go up with me, do not send me away from here.