#relatable (pt.2)

June 29, 2016

“Is everything okay?”

The computer glitched and broke up the sentence but I heard it. I watched my face on the screen split into a smile, a deceiving scar. Confused, he asked again. In that moment I had to choose whether a wall comes down for him or not. It’s funny. How would I concisely summarize everything? What if they’re not actually worth the amount of grief I’m going through? He doesn’t want the whole story; why is he asking again?

“No, but I will be.” The wall stays up.

I deflect. “But is everything okay with you?” He had had a pretty rough day already and I did just drop some heavy stuff on him. Planning a trip is hard and I messed up big time. This time the stress was in his tired voice. I hate that I had something to do with it. He told me about his day, counting the “strikes” on his fingers as he berated himself. After offering the few unsolicited encouragements I could, he thanked me and I signed off abruptly.

He may not have a problem sharing, and I do appreciate that, but it’s a trust issue for me. I don’t trust myself to let him care about the issues that throw me off-kilter. He doesn’t get that part of me because he already has enough. You’ve done enough. This is as far as you’ll come.


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